Monday, 05 December 2005

• …the earth whirled through winter like the winter hastened within my head, and the cold of the air was thick as it was near. The white of my lies covered the ground--I was where I would not, could not, go--and the mud claimed me as its own…

  So, I guess you could say I had a good time, although when you’re like me there are just too many ‘faces to smile at’--I never have a chance to experience other people. Maybe that’s why I’m not close to anybody, really; I am too much a part of ‘the crowd‘ to be an individual who loves and is loved. But am I to just blow them off and take what I want? Surely what ‘relationship’ I have with most of them should count for something. Beggars can’t be choosers--and for that they should count themselves among the blessed. I feel so all-alone-ish. That’s not right, is it? ::pathetic smile::

  …wind whistling and hell thickening as my soul wished for manifestation, but my will was as dead as one would call my body. I lusted for earth, and I swear it also gazed at me, but the freezing ice let neither approach to consume--and consumed I would be if something didn’t change…

  It’s really because of my fear of losing you, isn’t it? If I trusted the sky for starlight, instead of looking at the flowers around the statues, maybe I could be happy. Or at least peaceful. But no, I keep reseting my course thinking I'll reach atlantis. But what if it’s not wrong? Maybe it is for man to commit and live with the consequences. So the question now is, do I or don’t I? Do I or don’t I? Do I or don‘t…

  …so it remains, the wicked ice divides form and substance, separates body and soul--somewhere between dostoevsky and dante in the exercise of my imagination. The warmth to melt (be melted?) is not yet possessed by me, nor is it time for spring. But when time comes it will bring with it a penetrating heat, and I shall fall full and heavy upon dry earth, and perhaps the winter will remember me no more…

  :to be continued:

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